I been playing music throughout the day to numb this loss I’m experiencing. My paran Louis passed away this morning at Thibodaux Regional Hospital. He was in his early 70’s still trying to hold on and see the day through, but his body got tired of fighting.
No, I was not there to see him in his last days. But I did feel comfort knowing that I did right by him while he was alive. My godfather meant a lot to me. He always told me there was always a song about everything we go through. He was the person that introduced me to music and attended each one of my radio boombox concerts when I was an adolescent.
He never had kids. He felt that since my mama had 3 and was raising them alone that we were his own as well. He never felt like being a father was a role that would ever be part of his story. Even though it wasn’t to him, being my godfather made a world of a difference in my life. When the news broke this morning my younger brother called my phone and told me what happened. Our auntie called him because she high-key pissed off with me for not finding a ride to get to get down the bayou from Baton Rouge.
I told my brother the same thing I told my mama. She can be mad with me all she want I can’t change my current circumstances in a heartbeat because I can stop drop and run at the snap of a second to show “physical support.” Hell, it hurts me too to not have been able to see him in the hospital in his last moments, but it was not meant for me to see or experience. That's why I was not there. God knows my heart and my mind. If I had a way today, then you damn sure right I would have made my way on down there.
My younger sister have a lot of built up animosity against me and only reach out to text for a birthday or to say Merry Christmas and that’s it. The text messages I have are enough receipts to back my claims. The family ties are strained. I am just concerned with my mom’s mental health. She puts on a good game face about life and certain situations, but I know loosing her big brother done knocked the wind out her today too. I know she had a good ole ugly cry once when she cleaned up his belongings today. I mean my paran died in his seventies and alone and that mentally bruised me.
Just in 2023, I loss my uncle Lenard who was not a father nor had ever found true love and now my last uncle Louis died with the same title. I thought about all the feel good music he put me onto. All the slow jams, neo-soul, and smooth R&B he introduced me to. He had such a good ear for music and enjoyed dressing and getting out the house. He hated being a homebody.
He used to talk about how certain songs can make you feel like you living and not surviving.
You see, all my paran knew was 'Poleon. Are little village that he never left and loved unconditionally. I never understood what he meant about music on that level until I found myself under the deepest depression I have ever been through post-separation. Prayer was working well for me at the time, but I needed a little more. When he heard about me going through my divorce he said with a little stutter, "Put you on some music, guh."
I sure did. I ended up crying to the songs, laughing to the songs, and had some deep reflections while the songs played. You see, my paran helped me grow a deeper appreciation for being able to self-regulate and cool out with the help of music. He was always slow to temper and it took a lot to set him off. I never really saw him get angry out of all of my years of being here. He used to make me feel heard and since I never had a chance to meet my biological father because he was deceased by the time I was born that meant a lot to me. There is nothing like being heard and not just seen.
I know that now he does not have to physically suffer in pain anymore. My brother told me that over the weekend he was concerned with his outer appearance because he didn't want to look weak. My brother told him the truth, and our paran accepted it.
Earlier today I was on the phone with my mama. She asked me how I have been holding up. She said that we might have to cremate, Paran due to money. I was just quiet. I told my mama in my next breath that I need a break. After all this that I have been experiencing and still having to show up and show face has been mentally exhausting. I told her I need a hug to compress me. A hug that will rock me from side to side and loosen the tension all in my back. She said you can pay the massage people to do that, but you can't get down on yourself right now, you know.
I told her that I knew what she meant. I still worked today and tried to place everything to the back of my mind. My kids asked me what was going on and I told them it was just my bad allergies. I hate to lie, but it was for my peace of mind to just keep my head up today. So this was my day. I came into March scooting and trying to keep my head held high because deep down inside I feel like don’t nobody truly cares what you have going on unless you mask it well.
Rest in peace godfather,
I love you forever and thank you for showing me
The appreciation for music.
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