I have not been feeling like physically speaking to people about my life. Being silent has been comforting. The nights I share alone with God as my kitchen light kisses the vase on my dining room table with shadows on my living room wall. Allowing my mind to rest and tears to fall has been therapeutic. I have not allowed things to overwhelm or control my outlook on myself or my day. I have been feeling more empowered. More mysterious.
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Popping in and out of social media and being less social on my platforms has been good for me. Being a full-time single mom within this season has shown me how I have to continue to prioritize my mental health. I have spent so much time within my apartment that it’s been showing me how much of an introvert I am at heart, in my 30s. I would love to get out more and explore or just sit at a local library alone. I have to make it happen. There is no co-parenting for me to part-take in. I told my mom this past week that I felt like her when she was alone as a widow struggling with her mental health to raise me and my younger sister and brother.
I asked her when does the pain stop? Why do I have been grieving so much post-divorce this part of my life, especially while I am in the shower that I feel defended? My cries are wiped away with streams from my shower head. I told her have you ever heard of someone drowning in the shower while still standing up? She told me to stop letting life and the past get to me.
She said that I was grieving because my ex-husband was dead to me. He wants me out here struggling with our two kids he no longer wants to see. I told her that I was not to blame for his actions.
Our kids deserve so much better. She said to give them better then and that better don't have to ever include him. I told her I wished to look into the next year and see if all I was going through would be worth it. I went from having my ex-husband talking about how he was going to go to court to get full custody to not even reaching out to see his kids. It's cold-hearted work. Our son is starting to say how much his dad hates him cause he's not perfect. I had to talk to him about how he should not view himself in the eyes of his father because his father is far from perfect. I told my mama that I was tired and needed rest because I didn't know how much I could keep going through. She told me it’s worth getting through. She said you are getting through it now because you are still breathing. I was quiet after that because she was right.
We don’t ever debate. We just share our thoughts. I also am parenting at the same time. I am encouraged to keep on going. I look at my kids and talk to God about how blessed they are. I am proud of how much I can provide on my own for them. I remind them every week since I started going back to college that I will make a wonderful life for us. I say it with my heart and good intentions because the hustle and grind in this season is beyond my wildest imagination.
Being alone has not been isolating. Being alone has been keeping me on my toes. I am still in survivor mode. I am holding down my 9-5, in school full-time, and taking care of all responsibilities. There is no fumbling my potential. I am grinding to get our first vehicle, maintain good credit, and keep a peaceful living environment for my kids. There is no half-stepping or negative self-talk allowed over here.
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