My peace was disrupted two months ago. I had fought to regain my peace mentally and spiritually. I even made the decision to start therapy. Within the period of coping with my own childhood trauma, family issues, my marriage, and overall pain, I was still trying to stay active on social media.
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| Photo by Giovanni Calia on Unsplash |
I was giving myself the compassion that my therapist reminded me that I deserve. No longer was I feeling heavy from life, and it burdens. Things were changing for the better. However, I was then blindsided with more drama.
I had to catch myself mentally from slipping away from this peace I had created for myself. I felt gut-punched and gripped by my tresses with force and thrown into an area with a raging bull. As I would try to collect myself, I notice that the bull’s full attention is set on me.
I am its prey, and at any moment, with any false move, I can be attacked. I can hear the arena’s stadium filled with spectators and their cheering, booing, and laughs. I know people are taking photos. I know I am being watched, and every move that I make is being studied carefully.
My adrenaline is through the roof. Blood pressure is possibly sky-high. I felt parched and even more nervous as it suddenly rained. I quickly devised a plan to escape in my mind. One that involves me outsmarting the bull and staying on my feet.
What I learned in that muddy arena is that I could not be blinded by fear. My opponent was blinded by rage and was defending its territory.
However, whatever threw me into the arena with the bull possibly underestimated my power. The bull had every advantage that one could think of as an opponent. The bull’s size, it’s intimidating nature, and it’s the ability to attack its prey without warning.
I won’t lie; I was scared for my life. I ran my crazy ass all around the arena, catching my breath for as long as the bull allowed. I slipped a few times. My once popping wash n go was drenched from the rainstorm. My clothes stuck to my body, and my feet and legs were covered with mud.
I mentally talked to God as I told Him to direct my footsteps. I knew that the bull was going to try and outsmart me. I knew that it was used to winning against anything that stood in its way. However, I used to winning without surrendering too.
I escaped the raging bull with grace even while some spectators yelled the for the bull in anticipation. Other spectators yelled for me to not give up. Their words were like fuel for me to not mentally discourage myself.
Present-day
In July, I could have felt defeated. I could have been stricken with revenge and bitterness, but I didn’t allow those traits to win over my integrity. I have learned this month that just because someone caused me pain or stress that I don’t have to try to get even with them. I have learned that I do not have to pray against others that may have possibly wronged me.
I have learned that I do not have to seem educated, financially stable, or wise to anyone who may label me as lesser than what I am. Everyone does not want to be a student in the class of life once they have seemed to obtain all their dreams.
I do not want to be a person who has to feel compelled to give back or pour into others in any way to cover up my pain or underlying insecurities within my heart. I can move forward without a direct apology from anyone.
I am strong enough to value the impact of my voice, truth, and inner happiness. I am ready to embrace the month of August with joy and appreciation for what it will bring!
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