Here I Am. Still Hurting Because Of Seeing My Mother's Pain.

I don't know what hurts worse seeing my mother for the first time in almost two years see her grandson and seeing her eyes filled with tears. Or seeing my mother looking ill and not being able to fully grasp if she knows that she has a serious underlying health issue that needs to be treated immediately. Today I cried a painful cry filled with so much pain once I made it home from seeing both my mother and uncle Louis.

My mother has lost so much weight, her eyes are yellowing, her oral health needs attention, and so much more. I feel as if the time I have here on this earth with my mother is slipping away due to her health. My younger sister, who gets her social security check and my Uncle Louis's, is not applying her best interests towards taking care of them!

It infuriates me to the max. I can't even describe how angry I feel when I think about how sickly my mother looks after all of these years of knowing how she always kept up with herself. She's under so much depression. I felt and saw the sadness in her eyes and within her spirit.

I feel so hurt knowing that I question my own effort towards helping my mother and Uncle to the best of my ability with my husband's help. I felt like a drug dealer giving my mother two boxes of BC Powders after years of knowing she's been addicted to them. I'm talking about over 20 years of witnessing her take BC Powder every morning because she claimed she had a headache.

Within these 20 years, I know it is causing her body so much harm. I'm not even strong enough to tell her to stop taking them or giving them to her because I know she's no match for her addiction. My mother also seems to be no match to fight against her addiction. I can only imagine the toll that is on her body and mind every day.

I feel in a bit defeated by time because I feel as if I've been away from her so long physically that she doesn't know how to approach me. I'm in so much pain mentally trying to understand how things have gotten so bad since I left home.

The poverty-stricken home. The house that held so much burden and pain. The home that she grew up in as a child. The home that is no longer there. 

If something was to ever happen to my mother due to her underlying health conditions, I'm not sure how I would cope. I feel the same way about my Uncle Louis too. I also think wrong for trying to mentally prepare myself for the worse too. I love my mama and Uncle Louis so much. Words can not describe. I just refuse to sit still and allow them to continue to suffer in silence.

I want so much better for them. Going back home to visit my aunt's trailer made me emotionally weak. Their living conditions in the trailer were too hot for them with a heat index of 110 yesterday. I don't know what God how is going to place in a position to be a bigger blessing to them while they still are here with me.

All I do know is that I am going to continue to break generational curses, grind, and put in the work to become successful. I have no other option but to give it all I have! I won't fail them like the others have and are still doing. I'm determined to provide them with a better life. I owe it to them even though time may not be on my side, I know that God sure is.

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