The Truth Doesn't Have To Hurt

Tell The Truth was one of my favorite tracks from the Empire 2015 season by Jussie Smollett inspired this blog post. I wanted to dig deep into me and share another part of my life story with you. Here is a photo of me when I was four years old and Lord, may I say that every time I look at this photo I break down into tears.

I break down because at the tender age of 4 years old I did not feel beautiful. I was a victim of bulling when I started pre-school. No one told me that I was beautiful or that I was love while growing up. I grew up in a family that displayed a lot of tough love. 

Tough love can have various meanings within the black community. Let me just also add that the only time my people would be truly smiling is if it was around income tax, the 3rd of the month, food stamps were available, being at church, or someone given them something nice. Yep, that about sums up their happiness, if you ask me.

I just always felt shunned by my own folks. Being the lil’ ole country girl that I was I spent a lot of my time immersed in my imagination. My natural hair was thick and coated with grease and water. I remember it vividly being in the Louisiana blazing heat during the summer months running around my yard with hair grease running down my forehead and neck. 

Going to school was like a battle ground. I went home crying every day asking my mama why I was so ugly? I was call so many hurtful names during this time in my life that it made me did not understand why life was so rough. My mother's response to my frustrations was to never pay any mind to the children in my classroom. Still and all I was not told that I was beautiful.

I had to tell myself that I was beautiful, and that life was truly worth living. There were so many questions about my life and heritage that I was curious about. I came from a single parent home with no father figure. The house that I considered a home growing up to others was call a shack. It seemed like everyone wanted to judge me before truly having the chance to get to know who I was.

Before school, I would stand in front of a full-length body mirror and give myself pep talks and say a prayer. A prayer to shield me from my enemies and to guide my footsteps.

There were days that it would pour down raining before even having the chance to head to school with my sister. Those were the days that I dreaded because I would have to walk over to my Auntie Beulah trailer in the rain and ask her if she could bring us to school. 

If I or my mama didn’t have gas money to go not even two miles up the street to school, then she would cuss me out and then out of guilt bring me and my sister to school during this time. In the afternoons, we were on our own to get home. The mean and spiteful ways that she had towards me and my siblings growing up made me stayed ready to walk no matter the weather. My pride was never to strong to walk where ever I had to go.

We could not ride the bus because so many kids’ made fun of us whenever we got off the bus to walk into our house.

Either way, it went I was determined to go to school to get an education. There was no one in my immediate family that truly knew how to read or even write. There was nothing appealing to me about staying home from school and for many reasons. Being at home meant that I was settling for the same life my people had. There were many days that there was no food at home for me or my two siblings to eat. Oh, and it was raining in the house too.

In conclusion, I still to this day choose to never stop pushing myself towards better. I never allowed the color of skin or where I came from to hold me back. I never allowed the adversities that I face keep me from accomplishing my goals. I found the strength to keep a smile on my face even when I was physically weak from not eating or sleeping because of the rain beating down all not long on the tin roof of my home all night long.

I'm determined to rise and never settle. My walk with Christ will not go in vain. We all have photos or memories that can conjure up a lot of painful emotions and tears. Let me just tell you that we are stronger than our past selves no matter how much we endured.

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