I May Be BROKE, But I Am NOT BROKEN

I felt urged to do some necessary shopping at Walmart a couple of days ago. Before heading out the door, I decided not to check my bank account on my phone. In my heart, I was convinced that I had the money in my checking account to at least shop under a $40-dollar spending limit. 

Now, I was sadly and embarrassingly mistaken. I had my mindset on getting whatever I placed into my shopping cart. To my surprise, when I made my way to the cash register, my bank account was laughing at my ass, and I had no clue.

“Okay, your total is $38.76.” The male cashier said, looking tired of checking out customers said with a twang in his voice.

I pulled out my debit card without any hesitation to put it in the chip reader. My husband was entertaining our baby in his car seat as he looked up to see me check out.

“Ping ping ping.” The card reader made that annoying sound and displayed the words DECLINED.

“The card reader had to be tripping.” I thought, but my card had to have money on it, though. I was upset and felt played all at the same time. The line started to grow with impatient customers and their filled carts one by one.  

Chile, I felt the beads of sweat forming on my forehead within a matter of minutes.

I locked eyes with my husband. He smiled and said, “I don't know what you're worried about. I got it.”

The cashier looked at me and ignored my husband, and said, “Try swiping your card again, but run it for credit and sign when the signing screen appears.”

“Well, go ahead then, bae. I told you not to worry about it, so if you insist, then be my guest.” He said as he stepped back from the chip reader.

My foolish behind stuck my card in the chip reader and it read declined again, not even giving me the chance to sign. I was through trying to prove a point that was clear to not just myself and my husband, but to the cashier. I swiftly pulled my phone out of my purse and opened my bank app. I typed in my info, and my account read -$15.54.

I was a broke the girl who was the negatives at that! I couldn't afford to pay for anything that I picked it up. I looked to see why I was in the negatives, and it was from a payment taken from my account from my monthly Audible subscription.

“Damn, I forgot all about that subscription too!”

The embarrassment could have never happened simply by checking my account before I had gotten prepared to shimmy myself out the door with my baby. I do not have food stamps, WIC, or a credit card to pay for my food. This was only half of the lesson that I had learned this day.

After my husband willingly paid for the bagged items. I rushed to our car while pushing the cart, and I was looking down at my baby. Tears started to form in my eyes.

I felt so embarrassed and stupid. I kept thinking about what if my husband wasn't there to pay? What if I would have thought things all the way through before feeling compelled to go grocery shopping?

Once we made it to the car, I broke down in tears in the passenger seat just seconds after my husband place our son in the back seat and our bags in the trunk. I was an emotional wreck. I took the incident to heart since I felt as if I should have known better.

I'm a stay at home mom with little to no income, immense dreams, big hair, and a bold personality to match. I realized that I do not get a direct deposit into either my checking or savings account. I realized that I'm not that just throw it the shopping cart chick that I was before becoming a mother. The times have changed.

I used to be so independent in so many ways! My husband hardly ever had to pay for anything that I wanted whenever we went shopping, and I valued it to be that way. I enjoyed the financial stability that I had within my own lane. We always use to split the bills and even buying groceries in half, and I still had money to myself in the end. But now, I'm even more humbled by my own growth and journey to accomplishing my dreams.

My husband looked at me, grinning as he drove us all home and said, “Why you crying, baby? You need to stop that.”

My lip was quivering like Fantasia’s when she feels the spirit move through her. But, yeah, I was crying like someone destroyed my sandcastle I made while on the playground on purpose.

“I'm crying ‘cause I should have never asked you to take the baby and me out here to embarrass myself.” I folded my arms and focused my attention on the red light before us.

“Baby, I got you. You don't need to sit up in here and cry like that at all. You make me feel like I'm not doing enough for you or our family when especially when I see you like this.”

He was right. I wasn't on my period. So, I wasn't crying because it was hormonal reasoning behind it. I was crying because that financially independent part of me was gone.

You see, I had to be humble within my moment of pain because I knew that things could have been worst. I had to learn that I'm not struggling alone. The peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, cans of red beans, ramen noodles, and packs of instant oatmeal was going to have to carry us until we can make a come up.

I want to take this time to encourage someone to say, “Hold on, a change is coming.” Things may seem so depraved in your life right now, but there is someone who has it worse off than you do. Stay strong within your struggle and find the strength to smile because you will make it through with more courage than you had when you started. I may be broke right now financially, but I'm not broken spiritually from my shortcomings.

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